Hey i just realized that im masturbating in the exact same kind of chair that they are doing it on in this porno
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
Randomize
