It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I have fence marks all over my body
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
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