Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
Even though we had just had to physically take her off of someones lawn she was peeing on when they came outside, she still insisted on walking unassisted the rest of the way home. It was dignity meets shit show.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
