I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
