My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
