If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Well that's very sweet of you. I have a strange feeling you're going to regret this when you sober up.
NO REGRETS FUCK DA POLICE
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Randomize
