My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
Randomize
