I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Abort mission; I repeat: Abort mission.I found an attractive one.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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