Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
he told me it was because of the roids, but i couldn't tell if he meant ster or hem.
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
We're living together and you don't know if I've seen Titanic?!
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
Broken leg sex is fun because I just get to lay there
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
