K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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