umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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