i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
the other night i did but this one wasnt and it was so random. i was hooking up with this boy who wanted to roleplay and pretend to be snakes
I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
Just did an upsidedown spineboard shot. Gotta love lifeguard parties.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
