Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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