dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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