If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.
I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
