You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
He keeps saying he loves me and ruining perfectly good conversations.
so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Waffles and pussy, what else is there?
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
