Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
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