yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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