Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize