ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
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