Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
Yesterday I dumped him, went out for my birthday, hooked up with someone else, and today he still fed my cat. Living with your ex ain't so bad . . .
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
