If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
I think I just sharted jello shots
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
