And then I said "flip over. I want to show you something i learned in Afghanistan."
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
