so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Instead of asking him how many women he's slept with I just got straight to the point and asked how many Plan B pills he's purchased
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I enjoy the company of your penis
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
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