if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
we're going to the olympic park to run the 100m yeaaaahhh
it's 3am. Nothing could possibly go wrong here.
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
Randomize
