rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell
thats the international knock for joint time
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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