Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
