I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
send nudes
from the living room?
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
