last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
