Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
You had salsa out and brought a banana on a plate to bed
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
I'm actually on the verge of cancelling a booty call because I have an early meeting tomorrow. If this is what adulthood is going to be like, I'll pass.
Randomize
