I showed him my bush... on skype.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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