ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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