So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
Randomize
