woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
it's like heaven, but drunker
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
Is that strawberry winking at me??
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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