fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
We peed on campus in the middle of the tailgate and then hit on a married cop that asked you to stop touching him
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Randomize
