You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Caprisun cuts tequila surprisingly well...
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
