so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
