I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
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