gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
Let's stay in this weekend and play drinking games to the Winter Olympics.
As long as we can drink anytime we see a stray dog, mafia looking Russian or double toilet.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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