I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Randomize
