I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
Randomize
