Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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