i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
WOKE UP NEXT TO A PLATE OF MEATBALLS HAPPY MONDAY
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I gotta give him props though, I've never been propositioned for sex via flash mob.
Randomize
