Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I stole a fireplace last night.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Lunch date was a success. And you'll be proud- my legs stayed closed.
Randomize
