Just fell off a train. Bad.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
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