my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I'm drinking apple juice and champagne while watching crossroads..like the classy bitch that i am.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
Randomize