the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
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