I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
we turned dreidel into a drinking game. i kept landing on gimel. im glad we have 7 more nights of this
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
Do you know what the cost code is for strip clubs? I'm filling out my company expense report right now
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
