i don't like sucking hair
im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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