So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
