He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
