If i could tip my vagina, i would.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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