I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him
at least he gets points for a creative booty call
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
the only thing she has in her apt so far is toilet paper and shot glasses. you can see where the priorities lie.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Randomize
