I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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