Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
